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Welcome to the Forum
By Nathan Storey
The Forum has fallen on hard times as the recession reaches even its ivory tower offices.
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Professor’s Beagles Go Missing: In Unrelated News, Recent Servo Casserole Tastes Delicious
By Sebastian DiNatale
“It is with deep regret and grave sorrow that my two beagles, Sparky and Little, have gone missing for three days now.
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Clubs Declare Themselves Independent of Senate, Senators Apathetic
By Kyle Lawson
With the recession sweeping the nation, clubs everywhere dissolved the Student Senate.
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Cut-Back on Costs Inspires Withdrawal of Prophylactic Aid
By Josh Carmel
Cost saving measures have inspired certain methods to prevent pregnancy on campus.
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Health Center to Charge Arm and a Leg for Every Visit
By Xavier Harding
Left and right, members of Gettysburg College are leaving the Health Center in worse shape than when they came.
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The Bullet Hole: Underground Drug Den Revealed!
By Audra Foster
Narcotics found in Bullet food, sales have never been better.
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Gettysburg Student Competes in Scripps National Spelling Bee
By Brian Englesma
“That kid had a falsified birth certificate and was even able to get the sponsorship of some fraudulent, shoddy local newspaper; I think it was called the Gettysburgian.”
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Hot Chocolate Disappears From Library
By Alex Thompson
THERE'S NO HOT CHOCOLATE IN THE LIBRARY!!!
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Club Profile: Tea Party Club
By Colleen Cable
“Our club is really gaining momentum because more and more people like the idea of not paying for things.”
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What Happens When Students Can’t Afford Porn? MS Paint to the Rescue!
By Alex McComas
MS Paint Porn is the sketchy sensation that’s sweeping the nation.
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APO Implements New Service During Economic-Downturn
By Josh Carmel
With downturn of economy, APO turns to servicing others with their bodies.
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Gettysburg Pirate Orchestra Drops the Orchestra, Picks Up Piracy
By Audra Foster
Watch out coffee lovers: the Gettysburg Pirates are on the loose.
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College Cuts Academic Programming, Buys 27 More Channels of ESPN
By Xavier Harding
“With all this new money we just decided to go for it. This is the best decision we’ve made in a while.”
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Gettysburgian Rises in Popularity, Falls in Readers
By Nate Storey
“It’s kind of gotten to the point where we just don’t care about what’s in the paper. Half the time, we just print every other word and let the students fill in the blanks.”
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Despite Depression-Ridden Campus, Rod Tosten “Doin’ Just Fine”
By Sebastian DiNatale
Dr. Rodney S. Tosten affirms, “Oh me? I’m doin’ just fine.”
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The KayHay Republic Collapses, Ferreira Elected to Run Reich
By Alex Thompson
Thompson examines the rise and fall of the Third Reich of Gettysburg
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Toilet Paper Art Sculpture Revolutionizes Art Dept., Senior Projects
By Alex McComas
“My only setback was my angry dorm mates the next morning that needed to use the restroom.”
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